Transplants

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Southern California.

Hurricanes.

Texas Weather Patterns.

That ring of condensation a glass leaves when you don't have a coaster.

Hollywood and all its trimmings.

Binge-Watchers.

I-45

Gridlock.

Dust.

"Dogeared" Books.

Summer heat.

Mosquito Hawks, just bouncing off the walls till they fly in yer mouth.

That "tester" page that the printer shoots out when you get new ink (Looking at you HP)

Static Electricity 

Over-Zealous Politicians.

Dropped cell phone calls.

Loud fucks on a cell phone.

Tsunamis.

Anderson Cooper

Savannah Guthrie, that damned shitspeaker. (Quit Fuckin' interrupting your interviewees)

Charlie-horse wake up calls.

Flat tires.

Lavender.

Anything with a goddamned “Beach Theme.”

The moment the mechanic gets done with yer oil change and politely informs you he “found” an additional $1350 in repairs.

Sock and sandal combos.

The random “Princes of Dorkness” in a mall.

Scentless Candles

Malls.

People who say “Woo-Hoo.”

Dust bunnies.

Spiders.

Lost remote controls.

Paper cuts.

Bad kerning.

“Clicking” hard drives.

Sore throats.

Missing home.

Fannypacks.

Kitchen humor.

Escargot...just no

Tribal tattoos.

Logo whoring by A+F, American Eagle, Old Navy and Gap.

The stretch of Route 66 from Amarillo west to Santa Fe, it's empty man.

The word, “Dude.” Oh man, enough already.

Being called "Buddy"

Getting yer car towed.

Standing Ovations.

Artichoke hearts.

Broccoli Cheese Soup.

Boy Bands. (One Direction, BTS, etc.)

Comic Sans

The band Creed. Those motherfuckers.

Flight attendant attitude.

Aqua Socks.

“Uncle” Vans shoes.

Golf sweatshirts.

"Modern" Country Music

People who use hot glue to fix anything.

Woe stories from a relative.

The state of contemporary roadside signage.

People recounting the previous night’s drink list.

Poorly-kerned anything.

Predictable encores.

Rascall Flats.

Hollywood, Nashville.

Country music clichés.

The “American Chopper” design sense: Bad photoshoppery, flames and shit.

Overactive bass players. Just settle down, already.

Painful band publicity shots.

DIY disc packaging. Hire someone for fuck’s sake.

MBDI disc packaging. Asin, “Yeah dude, ‘My Brother Did It’…” shit.

Artichokes.

Olives.

Capers.

Beets.

Honey Mustard.

Dancehall music.

WalMart.

Dollar General.

The strangling of America.

Drivers who don’t use their turn signals.

Cigarette butts.

Cigarette smoke.

Vurps. (Vomit Burps.)

Fish bowl smell in a glass of water at a restaurant.

Infomericals.

Cute bands with nominal talent.

Tools made in China.

A dull blade.

Warren Jeffs and his malicious ways.

Sub Division signage. IE: Sherwood Acres of Whispering Dicks or whatever.

Nike logos on a truck cab window.

Cellphones with obnoxious ringtones.

The “strip malling” of America.

Foundation makeup.

Guy Fieri.

Michele Bachman, that hateful beast of a woman.

The middle seat on a plane.

Whiteout conditions whiel driving.

Stacked food.

Prime mark abuse.

Cab drivers who just don’t give a fuck.

Airport luggage handler tarmac dudes, whipping shit around.

First class passengers, eyeballing us dregs as we board.